Precious and Precarious Life...

Beginnings and endings, that's what November means to me now. I think this might be a big ending for me as I'm thinking that this will be my last blog for a while because I have a definite sense that I'm moving further and further away from the events of the last year and more importantly I feel I'm heading in a positive direction away from the illness.

The events of the last year started in November 2016. The 28th to be precise was the beginning of it all. On that day I had an MRI scan to look at my hip and spine to try and find the source of the increasing pain I'd been experiencing for several months. Two days later the consultant called late in the evening to tell me that the cause of the pain was in my bones and that it didn't look good. Just before christmas I was told for definite that I had cancer and early January I found out that it was Lymphoma...and so began my year. A year that Rachel and I have documented and shared with you all and a year that has been one of extremes. Often painful and sad, scary and isolating, but also it has been wonderful, full of surprises, love, friendship and hope. Some memorable times and plenty of times I'd rather forget!

So things began for me almost exactly a year ago. When I discovered it was cancer. I remember being frightened and I remember being utterly melancholic. I basically planned my funeral that first evening...music and everything! Then slowly Rachel and I told friends what was happening to us. With this came our blog, a place to explain things as they developed and also to tell our friends how we were coping, and what we were thinking... I turned to doing press-ups with my December Advent challenge and gradually I realised that I didn't need to plan my end just yet because the treatment options, whilst daunting, were very doable. Especially under the brilliant medical care of Dr. Dave and his team and of course the amazing, and couldn't have done it without, Rachel. We settled into our unexpected year and just got on with it with a lot of help from you.

And now we find ourselves at the other end, an altogether different November. As I said I feel I am moving in a good way away from the treatment and the transplant....that was 10 long weeks ago now. Rachel and I are once again in Norfolk walking along the endless sandy beaches, exploring the woods that grow right up against the dunes, marvelling at the winter visiting birds and just feeling so lucky to be here, under these blue skies and to be here healthy. It's a good place to think, spend time with friends and family, to reflect and to heal. There are still reminders; my hair is slowly, oh so slowly growing.....its actually just a soft invisible fuzz! My body still aches all over. I even had a phone call here in Norfolk from one of the research nurses at the hospital where I had my transplant to check on my progress. She called because I was involved in a clinical trial after the transplant for a drug which aims to prevent episodes of bleeding which can be common after a stem cell transplant. So that bought me down to earth for 5 minutes. 

Down to earth, but a different earth than it was last year. I'm so aware that I have been given a gift, the gift of life and I feel I have a responsibility to do more than make the most of this. Do something different, be someone better. This has especially been brought home to me in the last two weeks. Since Rachel wrote her last blog, Ben, who she then mentioned was going through his own 'storm', very sadly died, a young man, a husband, father, a son and brother. Then this week a young work experience student who I had the honour of working with and mentoring died of a complicated illness. A talented young woman with her whole life ahead of her. Life is both precious and precarious. I almost certainly would not be alive today without the treatment I received and when your life gets as close to the edge as mine has over this last year, when it felt more precarious than ever before, it is so important to step back, come to terms with the past and the new look of my future. This, of course will take time and maybe a new direction and path will emerge but I'm certainly not expecting a major epiphany. Every cell in my body is brand new, this is 'the new me' but quite what that means is yet to become clear. My life will never be the same in some respects but at the same time I am aware of the importance of not putting pressure on myself or Rachel to make huge sweeping changes and expect miracles.

In the meantime I really can't thank you enough for coming on this journey with me. It's hard to explain how much your support has meant to me and Rachel over this last year. I don't think I would be exaggerating if I said that I couldn't have done it without you. Just knowing that you were there reading the blog, doing the odd press-up, sending a post card or two, sending messages to make me smile. Writing this reminds me that the single greatest thing about this whole year has been you, and I know that I am so lucky to have such brilliant friends.

I'm going to stop filming my press-ups on the last day of November, the anniversary of when this all started. However I know I'll do ten press-ups every day for the rest of my life, (or for as long as I can!) and in December I am going to do the Advent challenge again, which I'm going to photograph, so if anyone fancies doing this with me, and sharing it on the FB page that would be brilliant... it entails starting with one press up on Dec 1st and finishing with twenty four on Christmas Eve. 

In January I see Dave for my next check-up, to check that I am still in remission so that'll be a good opportunity to check in with you all again.  However in November, a month for remembering and a month of gratitude I am thankful for my health and I am thankful I can sit here a year later and say that tomorrow looks good.