My Own Hurricane

It's on its way.....

In the aftermath of hurricane Harvey which lead to terrifying floods in Texas we are now watching hurricane Irma causing death and destruction in the Caribbean and heading towards Florida.  We have no control over the weather of course and suddenly this week I feel a gradual loss of control in myself. This week I find myself feeling like a patient, feeling like I might actually be ill, that there might actually be something going on in my body that I have no control over.
Throughout all these months of treatment I have been able to hide behind my relative health and feelings of optimism and strength. After all I have done a triathlon, had a 5 week running streak, completed several parkruns, done loads of open water swimming, ridden across Exmoor on my road bike, been into work and taken young people surfing, walked the dogs, been on holiday and done press-ups every single day so it's been quite easy to genuinely forget that I have cancer!
A friend asked me where I get my strength and optimism from....I can only say that this is the only way I could have approached this, it has just felt natural to carry on as usual, massively helped by the fact that I have been so blessed with not having terrible chemo side effects throughout the treatment thus far.

But I'm in the thick of it now and I feel different... things have switched about in my head and my body so it's harder to remember feeling as strong as I have. I have spent the last week in and out of hospital having my high dose chemo twice a day. For the most part this treatment has been ok so I've been running around Exeter, finding nice cafes, been shopping, done my weights and press-ups daily and decorated my hospital room with postcards from all over the world....for a dull hospital room it looks pretty amazing thanks to all the absolutely brilliant postcards that have been arriving daily from my friends, friends of friends, even friends of friends of friends! Wow!! Each card makes my day, each card is a little statement of hope and love and solidarity and friendship...thank you so much for this gift.

My week in hospital also serves as an acclimatisation, getting to know the routines, meeting all the brilliant staff,  the truly international staff who each in their way help to make the time go easier. Nurses, doctors, catering assistants, cleaners, housekeepers all of them are amazing and they make the best team and I know I am safe in their hands so I am beginning to fit into the hospital routine and we are getting to know each other. I think most of the nurses will join me in a press-up or two before I leave!!

I do feel different now, I had my stem cells on Tuesday 5th September, my new stem cell birthday is shared with Freddie Mercury so that's pretty cool!! The worst part about the stem cells was the immediate and nauseating smell and taste of tinned sweetcorn that took over my entire body, first as a taste in my mouth but then oozing from my pores. It's hard to explain here just how unpleasant this was but believe you me it was horrible.

Rachel could smell sweetcorn from outside the closed door of my room! I had been warned about this strange phenomenon which comes from the preservative which is added to the stem cells when they are frozen. It is also this additive which causes unpleasant side effects for 24 hours or so after the transplant - nausea mainly. Now on Thursday the taste has all but gone but I have transformed from feeling unbreakable and strong to feeling fragile and weak.
My body is aching, my insides are churning, my mouth is burning, my ears ache and my head is splitting. My arms and legs feel as heavy as lead and above it all I have a tremendous 'sense of impending doom'. My own hurricane spinning out of control is on its way not caring about anything that it will encounter and leaving chaos in its wake. Well hopefully not chaos in its wake, hopefully this particular hurricane will leave calm and healing, wellbeing and health but it will do some damage before calm is restored. The next couple of weeks is when I'll be at my weakest and most vulnerable because this chemo will wipe out everything, not only the lymphoma cells but also the mechanisms that a healthy body uses to fight infection. So I'll be behind two sets of doors with limited visitors (no one old, no one young and no one even vaguely unwell or exposed to bugs) surrounded by the healing effects of various drugs, by the healing effects of so many kind words written on beautiful postcards, waiting for my cells to mature and help boost my immunity. I am bound to get infections, likely to need blood transfusions and certain to feel very ill but the storm will pass.

 I return to hospital tomorrow, to my room filled with plants, and maps and postcards to face the final hurdle and get better. When I return to my little room Rach and Di head off up North to compete in the Great North Run for The Lymphoma Association. It's a tiny charity that can't afford to have a stand at the event like most of the big charities but they still rang Rach and Di up this morning to wish them all the best, thank them for their amazing fundraising efforts and ask how I was getting on. I am in awe of the generosity of friends who have donated to this cause...thank you so much...and it's still not too late if you are planning on waiting til they've actually done the run!! Here's the link again just in case, I know they will do themselves and all of you proud on Sunday.

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/run-or-die

What has been amazing watching news reports of Harvey and Irma, and also hearing first-hand reports from friends affected by these storms, is that a crisis such as this brings out the best in people. I know of people working in relief shelters, giving up their time to help those who have lost everything, opening their homes to those made homeless. Charities are rescuing lost dogs, feeding lost souls and gathering clothes and basic provisions for those who suddenly have nothing. The effects are tragic but the stories are nearly all so positive because it is when things are toughest, when need is greatest that the wonderful kindness of people comes shining through...

I'm approaching the eye of the storm, but I'm gonna be ok.