Your small acts of defiance

I'm pretty sure Nick will do press ups every day for the rest of her life. What started as an advent challenge on Dec 1st 2016 and soon turned into a public defiance of her cancer is now so much more than either of those things.

We woke up on Dec 1st in a state of confusion, fear and dread. In fact I don't think we woke up because I don't think we had actually slept. Nick had received a call at 8pm the previous evening from the orthopaedic consultant who did an MRI on Nick's lower back, saying that he had seen something abnormal and had made an appointment for her to see her GP at 9am the following morning. He hadn't been able to offer any simple suggestions as to what this abnormality could be except 'something sinister'... so sleep wasn't really on the cards that night. Or for the next month. The uncertainty continued, the fear and dread mounted and the press ups increased at a rate of one per day. We didn't open the doors of an advent calendar for the first time in our 24 Christmases together. I think Nick had actually decided on the advent  press up challenge before we got this devastating news but it suddenly seemed a whole lot more vital.

Some of those advent press ups have stuck forever in my mind; 

day 4 on the frosty summit of Dunkery Beacon at sunrise, I remember this because it was the 5th anniversary of my Dad's death, he loved a frosty morning and he would've loved that Rhinestone Cowboy was playing on the radio as we parked the car that morning. I turned it up as loud as it would go and cried my eyes out. Day 16 high above the sea, perched on a slab at Valley of the Rocks having just left the GP's surgery with the news that the diagnosis was almost certainly secondary cancer with no known origin. Christmas Eve, 24 press ups in the rain outside a wildly decorated house, a sea of joyous flashing coloured lights in the darkness before a family party at my sister's house. No one knew why Nick had suddenly started posting pictures of herself doing press ups on facebook. I think some people got     a little bored of them to be honest!

 

I know this is old news to most of you but this has been a memorable week for press ups so they have been on my mind a lot. They have come from some stunning locations in the last few days - a seemingly inaccessible rock high in the Norwegian mountains, Disneyland Paris, a field of quinoa, Las Vegas, the Olympic stadium and of course the summit of Kilimanjaro! Imagine how exhausted Linn and Lisa and their group must've been after a pre-dawn start and a long tough climb in the oxygen-depleted air almost 20,000ft above sea level to reach the roof of Africa. And yet they thought to do press ups and write Nick's name with their tired bodies. We also know that there are people doing press ups every day quietly, thinking of Nick, sending positive thoughts but not sharing them with anyone. And that's fine. It's more than fine, it's truly amazing. And that's why I decided to remind myself, and you all, how and why it all started and just how far it has spread, magnified and developed. Nick's personal challenge from the cold dark winter days of December has come a long way and has come to represent solidarity, support, love and a little bit of bonkers-ness.

From tiny babies to pensioners, our GP, Nick's consultant and nurse, friends, family,  strangers, people in groups, people alone, videos, photos, hilarious commentary, dirty pavements, beautiful sunsets, pyramids, bridges, woods, oceans, Rosie, always Rosie, sunny days, rainy days, England, America, Australia, Finland, Mexico, Spain, snow slopes, Indonesia, Egypt, France, Tanzania, The Himalayas, Kamaji,  acrobatics, struggling bodies....thousands and thousands of press ups and push ups, each and every one a huge statement, sending a message, shouting out a massive cheer in response to Nick's own defiant attitude. 

This simple thing has come to represent Nick's stubborn refusal to be stopped, or even slowed down, by this crappy disease and it has had a profound effect on those who follow her Press Ups page on Facebook. The more we see Nick having no inhibitions about doing press ups in public places or in the middle of having chemo or with groups of children on the beach or with a dog on her back the more we realise that this is about living life to the full, taking risks, laughing in the face of the worst that can be thrown at us and finding strength in a common, shared act however simple. Small acts of defiance.

I often hear people talking about 'living every day as if it were your last'. I say live every day as if it were your first - we start out without fear, with a natural curiosity and a sense of adventure, we are born to explore, to fall over trying to walk, to taste unfamiliar things, to trust, live in the moment, to climb and clamber, to be generous, not to judge or to notice whether someone is old or has a different colour skin or no hair or only one leg, to give hugs and to get down on the floor oblivious to mud or pebbles, to sleep deep and peaceful, to cry when we are sad or laugh out loud when something pleases us. This feels to me more like freedom to really live than thinking each day may be your last; that just adds to the pressure, makes you think too hard about what you should be doing. 

On the face of it press ups may seem pretty trivial but the power of this project is not to be underestimated. Nick and I are buoyed every day by the photos and films we are sent and although I don't know exactly how many people follow the press ups page on facebook I do know that it brings pleasure and inspiration to them all. We are continually surprised at the people who appear on there out of the blue and tell us they've been there all along watching and smiling from afar.

So I wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their contributions, for clicking 'like' or even 'love', for doing press ups in private or in public, for sharing them or not and for not getting bored now you know why Nick is still doing them! And if you haven't done any yet maybe you will one day.....