Free Falling

Droplets free falling on the beach today

On Wednesday, exactly nine months after finding out that there was an abnormality in her spine, Nick was admitted to Exeter hospital for high dose chemotherapy with a stem cell transplant. It's all been leading to this. This has been the goal. Months of CHOP chemo, writing blog posts, intrathecal injections, losing hair, growing hair, losing it and growing it again, feeling ill, feeling better, hiccups and hitches, progress and setbacks. There was a lot of waiting; for appointments, for diagnosis, for test results, for fractures to heal, for the drugs to kick in, for the side effects to wear off and all the time, in the background we were waiting for this day, for the treatment that will hopefully put an end to this cancer, draw a line under this whole horrible episode that has interrupted our lives this year.

Someone asked how we were feeling a couple of days before Nick went into hospital. I said that we felt like we were standing on the edge of a precipice. The same person asked me on Thursday if we felt better now that we were no longer on the edge of that precipice.....I could only answer for myself, that I now felt like I had stepped off and was now free falling towards....towards I don't know what. Because it's happening now and there's no going back. Nick is installed in her hospital room which has double doors like an airlock from her beloved Aliens movie, a sort of ante room where visitors and medical staff can wash and sanitise their hands before entering the infection-free zone that is Side Room 4, Nick's home for the next month or so, shut away from the germ-ridden world. Or so we thought. Turns out it's not quite like that just yet, it's more like a slightly dodgy hotel room where Nick sleeps, pops in from time to time to get hooked up to a drip but is otherwise empty. Mostly, so far, if you'd called in to visit you would see her brightly coloured duvet neatly covering the bed, her books on a shelf, a fridge full of nice food & drink, some postcards pinned to the notice board, a map of Minnesota on the wall....but no Nick. You might be thinking that she is off having treatment or seeing the doctors but no, she is just following her new routine. I think most of us like routine, however much we may enjoy spontaneity and breaks from the norm, routine makes us feel safe and secure, it gives us a feeling of control which is comforting especially when so much is out of your control. 

When Nick was first admitted on Wednesday we were pleasantly surprised to be told that she wasn't to be in isolation for the first week as, during this period of intense chemo her immunity would be unaffected. That would come later. So they said that she could perhaps go out for 'a little wander' or go and spend some time at home in between treatments. Unfortunately as we live over an hour away from Exeter hospital Nick would not actually be allowed to go home, but fortunately, oh SO fortunately we have a second home for the duration of Nick's treatment; our wonderful friends Di and Jon live 20 minutes from Exeter and have welcomed Nick and me and the dogs into their home so that Nick can have some 
time away from her hospital room, I can stay close to the hospital and the dogs can be looked after while I'm at work. We are so lucky. And they have a gorgeous puppy too!!

So Nick's new routine goes something like this: get woken up early for blood tests and have a light breakfast, put on trainers and shorts and run to the shops to get a 'proper' breakfast(!) and a treat for lunch (doing some press ups on the way), run back and eat second breakfast, do a few weights before having the first two hour chemo session of the day at around 11.30am. Then it's lunch time and after lunch she makes her escape, maybe jogs into town to do a bit of shopping or, most days, returns to our second home and takes the dogs for a walk with Jon before Di and me get home from work and then we can all sit down to a nice supper and have a glass of wine before Nick's 9pm curfew when she 
has to return to her room for late night chemo before bed! Not what we expected at all but then nothing has been what we'd expected over the last nine months. And Nick probably isn't what they expected when they said she could perhaps 'go for a little wander' in 
between treatments..

It's a real relief that the last couple of days have worked out this well for Nick because when I collected her from the hospital on day one after just one dose of chemo she was not the same person who has been running, doing press ups and eating good food more recently. The first drug they gave was a nasty one and I found her feeling really sick and shivery with a red flushed face, bloodshot watery eyes and a streaming nose, constantly sneezing. She spent the evening lying quietly, not wanting to eat or talk and the thought of this happening twice a day for a week was very daunting. Thankfully she hasn't had to have that drug again and so hasn't felt ill like that again.

The new routine should hopefully continue until Monday and then on Tuesday Nick will be given her stem cells and platelets back after being separated from them since the end of 
June when they were harvested. Beyond that we don't really know what will happen. There is a chance that Nick may be able to spend a couple of days and nights away from the hospital after that but we can only take one day at a time and see how she feels. Planning ahead is impossible and usually we come unstuck if we do that these days!

Meanwhile I am preparing for the Great North Run which is only a week away. I did my longest ever run last weekend, almost 11 miles and now I'm just trying to eat well (which is easy because Jon has cooked delicious meals for us all week) and keep running gently (which is easy because Di runs every day and I join her for that). Di and I are really pleased that we have reached our fundraising target of £3000 but we hope to raise even more for the Lymphoma Association so if you'd like to donate please visit our just giving page. Nick has already benefitted from other people's fundraising efforts for the Lymphoma Association so it's important to her that we do this for the charity that has become close to her heart. here is another link to their webpage.
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/run-or-die

Di prepared for the run by doing a really brutal hilly marathon today in the most awful rain and wind!! Bonkers but brilliant! I prepared by taking Nick to the finish down by the sea where we cheered Di and Jon across the line, muddy and exhausted. And while we waited we got to have a paddle in the crystal clear sea which is a much better way to spend an afternoon than sitting in a hospital room!

The feeling of free falling, hurtling into the unknown is an unsettling one. I feel 
unbalanced, unfocused and out of control. Nick is well, she is safe, she has good people giving her care and medication, taking care of her needs (when she's there!) so she doesn't really need me to worry about her. But if she feels like she's hurtling into the unknown I'm holding her ankles, Di is holding my ankles, Jon is holding Di's and the puppy has Di's shoe lace firmly clasped between her jaws! And below us all there's a safety net held by everyone who reads this blog, everyone who sends press ups from the craziest places in the world or sends Nick a postcard to brighten her day in hospital. The unknown might just be a wonderful place so we'll hurtle there safe in the knowledge that we'll be OK thanks to amazing support we are getting along the way.